Chaos

Chaos.  Building a business model is hard.  Working a business with small children is even more difficult.  Everyday is chaos.  Last night I thought to myself, I've been meaning to clean my bedroom for two years!"  This morning I checked out my blog.  It's been two years too.  It's also been two years since I have been to the doctor.

I'd love to say that I now am the proud owner of a successful business but I can say I am the proud owner of a business.  A business that I volunteer my time and donate my money to every week.  It sucks the life out of me, literally.  I have little energy left over to create easy arts, crafts, fun or even work on my own art projects and writing endeavors.  I can create chaos though.  Lots of it.

So, let's talk about that for awhile.  Chaos can be fun if it's organized.  That's my new project - getting the chaos organized.  Today, I had a blood test to find out why I am so tired all the time. Maybe it is just the stress of life with a four and six year old or life with a sixteen year old.  Or maybe it is all of the extra-curricular kids.  My fun business has morphed into a child care not at all what I had intended.

Recently, someone gave me a quote that resonated inside me.  I can't let it go. I struggle to make it so.
"We can busy ourselves doing good things for people and miss out on the great things that God has intended for us."  I know I was designed for something else.  Something creative and wonderful.

I often feel it will never happen or my opportunity has already passed.  I fantasize about living the life I've dreamed...   Someday, when I have money or time. Lately, I've been thinking, I could be dead before that day arrives.  I am waiting for happiness to find me.  The things I want don't cost much.  I want to shop at whole food stores.  Eat organic.  Exercise.  Write.  Paint.  Become an Children's Author/Illustrator. And dress like a hippie with flowing clothes and handmade jewelry.

I could do a lot of that now but I have too many stoppers.  I don't know where to begin.  I could start with the clothing but I'd just be a fat lady in a mumu.  "Laura Langston"  is a children's author in Canada.  What are the odds that "Lora Langston" can be a children's author in the U.S.?

I could eat organic.  I dabble.  It is so hard to come home and make something spectacular, get everyone bathed and ready for bed.  These days, I am the first one to fall asleep.  I find myself hoping the kids find their own way to bed.  When I wake up at 3:30 a.m. I make sure everyone is safe and sound before I climb back into bed and wait for morning to arrive.  Finding it difficult to go back to sleep my mind races with worry and plots how to be a better Mom.  I finally doze off after convincing myself that tomorrow will be different.



It is and it isn't.  So many stoppers.  Lights to keep on.  Cars to keep running.  Animals to keep alive.  Kids to keep alive.  House to keep clean.  Yardwork.  Messy Garage.  The Mommy taxi business takes up most of my day.  So, I drink.  Mountain Dew.  It relaxes me and makes me happy.  Oh sure, I've stopped several times.  In fact, I stopped this week... again, when I realized my teeth were falling apart.

Fat lady in a mumu I can deal with Bag lady with no teeth, not so much.



Yesterday, my taxi exploded.  My business is transporting kids from school to an after-school location.  I really wanted to cry.  So, I got a drink.  Sweet tea.



Sunday we went to a Blessing of the animals to have our turtle blessed.  Then to an Oktoberfest for Yuppies. It was nice but not fun. Everyone around me was living the life I wanted with the clothes, the food, and the figures.  Then we went to The Cheesecake Factory.  I ordered an Arugula Salad with Crab & Artichoke dip.  Richie, our waiter introduced me to Sweet Green Tea with Spearmint.  Awesome.

 

I don't want to be rich.  I like yuppies.  I prefer hippies. I want a farm not an estate.  I want to make goat cheese and soap - to sell pumpkins - to give hayrides - to eat food that I grow myself - to paint - to write - to create fun arts and crafts - to be healthy and fit not thin.



This week, I'll get started by blogging again and drinking Sweet Green Tea instead of Dew.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  What will you do?


Circa 1974.  That's me in the back.