Emotional Issues from Childhood Follow You To Adulthood

Are Your Personal Intimacy Issues Affecting the Family Unit?

Is your relationship in trouble? Straying from our regular blog topics, we’ve been writing a series on mental health. Turns out something that sounds like a very adult subject matter, has a wider effect on our personal lives. Personal intimacy issues. Say what? 

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Generally, when we think of personal intimacy issues we think about sex. However, personal intimacy can also mean emotional intimacy. Many people struggle with emotional intimacy and over time, this alone can break a relationship. You don’t have to be sexually active to struggle with emotional intimacy issues. In fact, emotional intimacy issues can contribute to sexual intimacy. 

Depending on your family situation, you could be setting your kids up for emotional disaster. How do you raise healthy, emotionally intelligent children? Obviously, if we had all the answers, everyone on Earth would be emotionally stable, but life happens, right? 

Depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar disorder, and a variety of other common mental health issues can lead to a lifetime of difficulties in interpersonal relationships. If you can’t get along with family members, you’re likely not going to get along with peers or co-workers and your intimate relationships are going to suffer.

If you notice a family member struggling with interpersonal relationships, what can you do? The first step is to identify the problem. What is causing the mental health issue? It could be a chemical imbalance, childhood trauma, abuse, or even neglect.

If your children suffer, the next step is to get help. Whether you seek out a therapist in your community or find help online, getting an outside perspective is key to improving your situation. If the family dynamic is suffering due to personal intimacy issues between the parents, there are many resources online that can help. 

However, I know from personal experience that it can be difficult to get both partners on the same page. Sometimes, one partner would rather throw in the towel than ask for help from an outside source. I’ve been told that if you need an outsider to help, it’s far too late. Other people may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to talk about their personal intimacy issues. For more information on common intimacy issues visit this link:  https://www.regain.us/advice/intimacy/common-intimacy-issues-and-how-to-deal-with-them/

When parents aren’t emotionally or physically connected, the children often face emotional issues as well, and can suffer from neglect. Parents can get so wrapped up in their personal problems, that they neglect their children without even realizing it. The key to a happy, healthy family is to keep all of the cogs working cohesively. Immediately after the breakup of our family, as they watched me fall apart, my children seemed surprisingly well adjusted. 

However, whether they knew it or not, they were holding it together, trying to be strong for mom. As time passed and I grew stronger and more sure about my own choices, my children began to show the after effects of the reality of a broken family. They withdrew, became emotional, and even aggressive at times. It seemed their entire personalities had changed in a few short weeks. 

Not only were we dealing with the break of our family unit, but the raging hormones of the wonderful land of teendom had conveniently coincided with it.  While there’s no good time for a breakup, note to self, the early teenage years have got to be worse. If I had to go back in time and do it all over again, I would do it sooner. My relationship with their father wasn’t good for any of us. Our personalities were not compatible and no amount of trying or counseling were going to improve it.

I struggled with perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive disorder, admitting the relationship wasn’t meant to be was extremely difficult for me. It took my children growing up and becoming reasonable, rational human beings who could recognize that the situation was impossible to repair, to give me the kick in the butt that I needed to move forward with my life. Unfortunately, all of this took a toll on their emotional well-being. 

If you’re facing a difficult situation in your relationship, don’t be afraid or embarrassed to seek out help. Don’t wait until the issues are out of control and beyond repair. Though humans are resilient, many mental health issues can get worse over time. Be sure you’re doing everything you can to satisfy the needs of your children and protect not only their physical, but also their emotional well- being.

 

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How to Get your Kids Excited About Nature at a Young Age

How do you Get Kids to Enjoy Nature?

There’s no refuting that encouraging our kids to get out in nature and engage in outdoor play will result in your family reaping a myriad of benefits, spanning from improved physical and emotional health to providing your children with a ton of fun opportunities for both learning and family bonding. But we also know how difficult it can be to get your kids genuinely excited about outdoor time in this age of screens, screens, and more screens. So, how can you get kids to enjoy nature? Here are a few quick tips!

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NATURE APPRECIATION TIPS

1. Plan regular outings

Hands down, the best way to get your kids excited about being out in nature is to make sure that you take regular family trips to beautiful places. Make full use of your local hiking trails on weekends, and set some time aside every week to go on a nice, long (and maybe even educational) bushwalk! If you’ve got younger kids with you, be sure to come equipped with a sturdy Joolz stroller, or another kind of stroller that you’re certain can handle off-road terrain if you plan to stray from the beaten path. 

2. Watch nature documentaries

It’s safe to say that young children have very few opportunities to engage with the wonders of the wider world, especially if your family has no upcoming travel plans. But you don’t need to go to Africa to see the lions of the Serengeti or to the Arctic Circle to see polar bears! If you have an allocated family movie night, be sure to flick on some David Attenborough and other nature documentaries every now and then to keep your kids in absolute awe of the natural world. Not only this, but documentaries can also be a great tool when it comes to teaching your kids about the effects of climate change and the importance of decreasing your household’s carbon footprint. Putting these complex issues into real-world contexts can really help your kids develop and maintain healthy living habits.

3. Grow your own garden

Speaking of healthy living habits, did you know that even the pickiest kids are more likely to eat veggies that they’ve grown themselves? And that not only is gardening a natural stress reliever, but it’s also been proven to boost our immune systems and strengthen our fine motor skills? Both suburban and city-dwelling families alike, are jumping on the gardening bandwagon and using any free outdoor space to cultivate their own little veggie patches. And you don’t need to go all-out here to reap the benefits either! Even families living in apartment buildings can utilise balcony space to nurture their own herbs and potted produce like tomato plants. If you’re uncertain of where to start, here are five low-maintenance plants that will be sure to get your kids excited about flexing their green thumbs for years to come.

4. Play some outdoor games

Some of our strongest memories from childhood are made during outdoor play, whether we’re bouncing on a trampoline in the backyard or swinging from the monkey bars of our nearest playground. For this reason alone, it’s highly recommended that you take any and all opportunities to play some outdoor games with your kids and to encourage your kids to play sports and other outdoor activities with their peers. Even younger kids can join in on the fun with some inclusive activities like a sandcastle-building competition, and older kids will have a whale of a time with age-old classics like ‘Tag’ and ‘Capture the Flag.’

Finally, it’s a good rule of thumb to always have a small debrief with your little ones after any outdoor activity, just so you can gauge what interests them and what you can do to nurture those interests. If you listen well, you’ll be sure to have some very avid little hikers, bikers, and gardeners on your hands who will only find more ways to keep themselves learning and developing new skills as they grow up!

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5 Extracurricular Activities for a Holistic Education

5 Extracurricular Activities to Give Your Child a Holistic Education

Kids can only learn so much from traditional education, which is why it is vital that they also get involved in a host of extracurricular activities. These recreational pastimes for children aid their development and help them discover their passions. Extra curricular activities also can help kids to make friends and find positive role models. You want your child to become a well-rounded adult with much to contribute to society. You can help give kids a kickstart by sparking a passion for any one or more of these extracurricular activities that help give your child a holistic education.

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1) Music

Studying music has shown to improve test scores and help students do better in school. Music also can provide kids with a new way to express themselves. Additionally, the study of music helps kids to concentrate and can give them a sense of accomplishment as they learn to achieve their goals.

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There are many different instruments with which kids can start. One popular option is the drums. If you think this might be a good fit for your child, then you can learn more here.

 

2) Sports

Sports are an excellent outlet for getting exercise and building teamwork skills. Many kids even find themselves meeting some of their best friends through sports.

 

With so many different sports to choose from, your child will find something that works for them. If your kid has a hard time staying active, then participating in sports may provide the perfect fun way to get regular physical activity.

3) Art

Art is a fantastic way for children to express themselves and let their creative sides run wild. Many kids get a great sense of accomplishment when they create a beautiful piece of art.

 

There are many ways to get your child involved with art. While you can have your child take lessons, you could also involve them in crafts at home. The process of making things is essential to childhood development, no matter how you go about it.

4) Drama

Participating in performing arts can help kids to boost confidence. Drama also increases empathy because it requires your child to walk around in someone else’s shoes. Learning to play a character can help kids to see things from a different perspective and be more understanding.

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Drama can help kids build trust and learn to rely on each other. When they are on stage, they need to trust that their scene partner will always have their back if they forget a line or something goes wrong. Even if your child never becomes a star, the performing arts can significantly change their life.

5) Writing

Writing is a pastime that has many professional advantages. One of the most sought-after skills in the professional world is strong writing. Starting young can help your child to succeed in their career.

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Writing can help children to process their thoughts and express themselves. It also may assist kids in their overall communication skills. Encourage your child to write short stories, poems, or to keep a journal.

The Bottom Line

Childhood is the perfect time for people to explore a plethora of different activities to find the things that they enjoy. Hopefully, these suggestions will give you some ideas about what your children might like to do in their free time. It's great to open their minds to all sorts of possibilities. Something may spark a career choice.

However, it is essential not to force your child to do anything that does not interest them. While encouragement is helpful, pressure can be counterproductive and may cause resentment. You need to strike a careful balance. Remember that your kids are just kids, and they may not become the next Olympic athlete or musical prodigy, and that is okay, just let them enjoy their extra curricular activities. 

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4 Suggestions for Smooth Living with Blended Families

Advice for Blending Families

Blending two families together as one can prove to be challenging, especially when different personalities and needs come into play. With children entering the equation on both sides and different parenting styles suddenly merging, it's important to make sure everyone's feelings, needs and wants are taken into consideration before moving in together. 

Read about one of our contributor’s experiences with Blending Families.

Preparing to live together as a family means discussing finances, making sure everyone has their own space, and/or preparing children for the big change in one way or another. Here are some suggestions for making the transition of becoming a blended family as smooth as possible.

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1. Hash Out Child-Rearing Approaches

Different attitudes on child rearing can make or break a home. Not everyone has the same parenting style. While some parents are considered "pushovers," allowing their children to get and do whatever they want (with no ability to say "no,") other parents are a bit more disciplined. When two people with different child-rearing approaches come together as one blended family, it can be difficult when an incident occurs with their children.

To keep everyone on the same page, it's important to discuss child-rearing techniques and approaches before you move in together. Indeed, it makes for a much more peaceful home. Remember, children need consistency, so try to address this important issue as soon as possible. You don’t want to have to learn your new partner's child rearing stance the hard way. 

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2. Ensure Everyone Has Their Own Space

Blending décor is one of the many challenges facing soon-to-be blended families, but it's completely doable. If it's within your budget, consider letting each child have their own room, which can go a long way in helping smooth out living situations and making sure everyone gets along with each other. It can also help to let your children decorate their own space and put their own stamp on it. This can help them feel a sense of belonging. 

When it comes to designing and outfitting a child's bedroom, consider any number of bedroom sets that show off your children's style and personality. Whether you decide to shop online or head to one of their stores, you'll be able to find all that you need to truly make your new house feel like home for everyone. Be sure to include the child in the process. It’s a fun family experience and can help a new parent bond with their step children.

3. Discuss Your Finances

Before you become a blended family, discuss how you'll manage your finances. Will you keep separate bank accounts and split the bills down the middle? Or, will you have a joint bank account to which you'll each contribute? Think about how you'll handle spending, especially if one partner makes more than the other. It’s always a good idea to keep some finances separate, particularly if you both have full-time careers and are used to spending your money your way. It’s always good to create a joint account for mutual household expenses.

Will one partner need to consult the other before making a large purchase? If so, what amount constitutes a large purchase? Will you have to discuss purchases when it comes to your children or will you have the freedom to decide how you spend your money on them? To avoid arguments in the future, these are some things you should think about before you blend your families together. 

4. Prepare Your Children for the Move

If you want things to go smoothly once the big day arrives, making sure your children are prepared for the move is essential. Let them know ahead of time when and what will happen, so they'll be better equipped to handle the changes ahead. Sit down with your children and discuss the move so they can express their feelings about it.

While you're not exactly asking their permission, it's important to let them know that their feelings and concerns are valid and that you'll help them sort through them if they feel overwhelmed or anxious about their new living situation. Talk about the new routine and let them know you won't love them any less with new children coming into the picture. Be sure to remind them they'll still have a space to call their own- and make sure they do, even if it is a little nook in your dining room!

You might also want to prepare your pets for a life change.

Preparing to Blend Families

Blending families is rarely easy, if ever, but taking the above steps into consideration can help make the transition a bit easier for everyone involved. It also helps keep the peace and ensure everyone is on the same page so that you can work together to create a smooth living situation for the entire family.

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Feeling Disrespected by Family

Do you often feel cast aside and disrespected by family members?

Are you feeling disrespected in your relationships? Most of us feel disrespected at times, even when no one really means to show us disrespect. Parenting is hard, but being the mom is harder. Society puts pressure on moms to always do the right thing, to put on a happy face, and never to let the family see that you’re human too. How do you know when you’re just feeling emotional versus when the disrespect is out of control? Feeling disrespected by family stifles good vibes, what can you do?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't quote.

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Kids will be kids. But when teenagers behave like teenagers, family relationships can get difficult. When do you choose your battle, when do you ignore the emotional roller coaster, and when do you jump on the parenting train to try to fix it? Is it just a phase or are they modeling the behavior of another family member? If your partner is disrespectful, chances are your kids will be too. Not sure if your partner has crossed the line? ReGain has a very eye-opening article that can help you decide.

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If your kids are suffering from the effects of your relationship, they may act out or become depressed. Children, especially teens, get frustrated by their lack of control over their life situations. Sometimes they feel like the situation is hopeless- no matter how hard you try to work with them. I’ve been down this road more than once. It doesn’t get any easier with practice. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and be prepared to be the bad guy no matter what you say. The old adage, “You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t,” starts to feel like the title of your life.

When I split with my partner of fifteen years, we all suffered with depression and the fear of the unknown. As a parent, watching your children suffer is painful. No matter how much you want to help, your help may not be the answer. Public school counselors can often help zero in on issues like adhd, autism, depression, suicidal tendencies, or other emotional issues. If you’re a homeschooler, finding an affordable counselor isn’t as easy. There are many online resources. This article might help a teen who is fighting to hold back tears when they’re feeling frustrated or angry: Why do I cry when I’m Mad?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, this article from GoodTherapy shares a list of teen help hotlines and other free mental health resources. Your pediatrician can also do a depression evaluation survey, and based on the results, refer you to a family counselor. Many family therapists operate on a sliding scale. 

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After the upheaval in our family, the kids and I moved to our happy place. A little cottage on a quiet lake, where we could swim, kayak, and birdwatch to our heart’s content. The first few weeks we kept our minds busy by remodeling the house, but after a while reality set in, and we decided to try family counseling. No one really enjoyed it, we had to make some sacrifices to find an affordable therapist which ended up being an hour from home. By the time we got off the waiting list, much of the family dynamic had changed and the diagnosis was changed from severe depression to adhd. The counselor had to have a diagnosis for our insurance to continue to pay, but it didn’t really seem to fit our circumstances.

With other members of the family with adhd, we had some prior experience dealing with the ups and downs, and this really wasn’t the same thing. It was nice to have a neutral party listen to our problems, but it wasn’t really worth the trouble. It caused more stress on an already stressed relationship, because the kids didn’t want to go and the family dynamic continued to play out. I know that sounds counterintuitive. I know that I’m the parent and I shouldn’t let the kids overrule me, but believe me, this wasn’t good for any of us. At the time, an online therapy option would’ve been ideal. 

Finally, the best solution for our family came through the advice of our pediatrician, the kids needed their own life. They needed more activities that they enjoyed. Sure, we did homeschool groups, 4-H, and summer camps, but it wasn’t enough. My kids were at a place in their lives where they needed more, even if they didn’t want more. They also needed less. Less time with mom, less time with each other. We all needed some space to help distance ourselves from the previous situation.

The biggest battle we faced was a lack of real relationships. There were no close relationships so that the kids could see healthy family behaviors modeled. We lived over an hour away from any relatives, so extended family time was few and far between. It was definitely time for a major change. After some heartfelt conversations with the pediatrician, relatives, and close friends, we decided our life needed an overhaul. The biggest piece of the puzzle that we all longed for was a sense of belonging. So we packed our bags and moved back to my hometown where we could be closer to family that would provide a support network as we all stepped out into the real world for the first time in years. I took a part-time job as an activity assistant at a retirement home and the kids both enrolled in public school. Talk about change! Change is scary, but sometimes we need a catalyst to set our lives in the right direction. All of these changes have led me to a wonderful opportunity with our local Habitat for Humanity. Look for more updates in coming posts.

 

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