Jake's Jokes for Kid: Waiter Joke? Ba Dump Dump

In this addition of Jake's Jokes, Jake is confused by the waiter and says the funniest thing. 

Jokes, jokes, jokes! Kids are full of funny things to say. Make sure you write them down. In this issue of Jake's Jokes: The perfect waiter joke. Ba Dump Dump. Click the tab above for more Jokes for Kids!

Jake's Jokes for Kids: Excuse me Waiter?

A family walked into a restaurant...

Waiter:  I'll be your server tonight.  Jimmy over there is helping out.

The Daddy was being difficult.  He didn't want to order until after he ate his appetizers.  Appetizers might be enough he just didn't know.  The waiter came back several times before and after the appetizers were served.  Everyone else ordered food.   Daddy waited.  The waiter didn't understand.

Waiter:  Are you ready to get some real food now?

Jake's jokes for kids. Waiter...

Daddy:  Nope.  I told you I'd let you know when or if I'm ready.

Waiter:  Can I take your menus.

Daddy:  Nope.

Mommy:  Are you sure you don't want to trade places with Jimmy now?

Waiter:  What? No way, I can take it.  Jimmy's a lightweight compared to me.

Jake looked at the stocky man behind the bar and then back at our waiter.

Jake:  Really?  How much do you weigh? (Insert Ba Dump Dump here)


Recommended Reading:

Circle Time Activities for Children


Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids


Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids

What's on your Mind? On Liars, Lying: Pinocchio Cartoon

Pinocchio is the cutest little liar: here's a cartoon free printable of him in all of his innocence.

Lying like Pinocchio... that's what's on my mind. Facebook asks, so I will too.  Lying or Creative License. I have been enjoying Facebook for a few years now. It's like peeping into picture windows as you drive by houses at night. Families are watching t.v., eating in the dining room, carving pumpkins, decorating holiday trees and so much more.  It gives you a little sense of how others live. It sometimes makes you feel less than perfect.

Pinocchio Cartoon coloring sheet clip art.

Right click to save image to your computer or Ctrl/P to print.

I have a friend who constantly posts happy thoughts and inspiring quotes.  I hadn't spoken to her in awhile when we finally had a chance to talk in the real world I said, "Wow, I wish I could be as positive as you are these days.  Your posts uplift me."  She chuckled and said, "Me too!  I am going through a lot.  I am so depressed.  I write those to remind me that life isn't so bad.  It gives me hope."  Now, she isn't lying but all this time I felt like she was living some kind of Utopia and I was missing out.  The grass is greener, you know.

And then I have 'friends' (I know all but three of my Facebook friends personally but I have some relatives I've never met or friends I knew long ago and a lot has changed) that post gorgeous family photos, pictures of themselves thin and beautiful, and share details of all the incredible things they do with their kids.  The are so happy, so lucky, and so full of it!

As I make more and more real world connections, I discover the Facebook Facade.  I always assume that if I am telling the truth then so is everyone else.  Why would we fabricate anything when the truth is lurking.  I am loyal to a fault, blunt, and painfully honest.  If you ask me something I will tell you how I feel, truthfully.  Bear in mind, if it is hurtful, you may want to get a second opinion.  I am a straight -shooter the words I spew are strictly my opinions.  Of course, I think they are accurate opinions but I have been known to change them.  I mean no harm.  So, if you want to know how your new hair-style really looks, ask me.  If you want a compliment ask your Facebook friends.

I am so jealous of people on Facebook.  I wish I could be a better Mommy, Wife, Lover, Daughter, Sister, Worker, Christian, Liberal, Democrat, Republican, or Human in general.  I will never be half as good as the people who are as half as good as me but take creative license to their life.  With me, what you see is what you get.

I often open my mouth and insert my foot.  I am not trying to be nasty or passive aggressive.  I am just being open and profoundly naive.  I recently had a conversation (with a person I care about very much)  regarding Facebook photos.  I said, "Can you believe all the fake photos on Facebook? I mean I meet those people and they are old and wrinkly or more than slightly overweight.  It's crazy isn't it?  I mean you and I just post the real 'us'... who would do that?" 

She didn't say anything right away.  In fact, I thought she was ignoring me but I had no idea why.  So I looked away.  And then something surprising happened, "What? You mean you think my photo is the real me?"  "Yes, I have seen it.  It looks just like you."  She chuckled nervously trying to let go of her anxiety.  "Nope, that's not me, I doctored it.  I'd never post the real me."

I could tell she was irritated with me.  I guess because I inadvertently dissed her.  She does look just like her picture no airbrushing needed.  She looks fabulous.  That is my honest opinion.  I didn't mean to accuse her of being dishonest, I had no idea.  Honestly.  Alas, this why many people don't like me.  You love me or you hate me, there is very little in between.  Most who hate me just don't get me.  I love you, I promise, no matter what I say that might seem to the contrary.

Yep, most of my friends aren't as happy as they seem on dear old Facebook.  Most aren't as attractive and even more of them aren't as good.  I'll never measure up but I guess that's okay because it keeps me on my toes.  I am a pretty decent, over-weight, going gray, do-gooder in real life.

Now those blogs...  that is an entirely different story.  I have uncovered some major creative licensing going down.  If it makes for a cute story share it.  If it gets you some extra brownie points or sympathy say it.  I get this from my teenager.  She bends the truth to 'make people happy' more often to make herself look innocent when she wants to complain about a friend and needs an empathetic ear.  We're grown-ups so I tell it like it is - the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Me: overweight, over forty, struggling with personal relationships, finances and life in general but always true to myself and others and always 100% authentic.  How do you measure up?

Recommended Reading:

Eli's Lie-O-Meter: A Story about Telling the Truth

A Big Fat Enormous Lie

Articles and Activities for Teens

Fall Funtastic! Fun October things to do for Halloween in Indianapolis Indiana

Fun Fall things to do in October for Halloween in Central Indiana

At last... In the Fall of 2009, my kids suffered with the launch of my "Fun Kids" business. For them it was more like torture. This year, we were determined to find and do all of the fun things in October for the Halloween season.

Mayhem on a preschool hayride at Beasley's Orchard.

We only visited "Waterman's Farm Market" in Greenwood, Indiana to watch the pumpkin eating dinosaur, race big trikes around a track, pet a few goats, get swallowed up inside a stack-of-hay maze, and follow the trail in a field of corn on a very cold day during Fall-Break.  Oh what fun!  Waterman's is great, don't get me wrong; the kids love it.

This year, determined to make it up to them, I scheduled fall-fun into every spare minute.It started with a trip to "Trader's Point Creamery" during Oktoberfest; although the event seemed well received by others my kids gave it six thumbs down. It was crowded, hot, and we walked a lot.


However, it is a lovely fund-raising event for adults. Vendors sell their wares in a cozy farmer's market.  The farmer's offer crafts, fruits, jellies, jams, and warm, seasonal specialties.  If you come hungry eat here first.  The restaurant is closed while they serve gourmet burgers and organic items in the barn.  While these items were healthy and delicious my hungry kiddos didn't find anything appetizing (hot dogs ran out early) and my significant other spent around $40 on himself alone walking away in need of "real food".  Luckily, the dairy had cheeses and organic milk.

The kids did not enjoy the hayride thru the farm's hilly landscape to see the non-existent cows. The cows had come home for milking.  Nor did they dance a jig to the happy, live Polka Band.

Calves cried at the door to see their Mamas who were standing on the other side in line for the milking machines. The real pitchfork my son used to grab the hay was a big hit as was the tour of Milking time.

Not a big hit $13-40 pumpkins that were grown elsewhere. These were our first pumpkins of the season so the kids were overjoyed at the sight, but I bribed them with mega pumpkins two for $6 at Meijer. While they were kicking and screaming on the way out, I did notice a farm vendor selling little pumpkins for $1 each. C'est la vie.

Awesome, educational corn maze at Jacob's Orchard in New Castle, Indiana.

Needless to say, I had some fall-fun making up to do! On the next outing, I took them to a tiny apple orchard in my hometown, New Castle, Indiana. Previously known as Anderson's, the new owners renamed it "Jacob's Orchard" which made for a nice photo op for my son (and the 90 million others) named Jacob.

Unfortunately, Jacob had no desire to attend the event. He complained profusely until he spotted the inflatable tunnel. Success! Goat's, fortune-telling corn-maze, cider doughnuts made while-you-wait, apple slushies in apple-shaped bottles, and if you feel like it, You-Pick apples, sealed the deal. The price is right too.

He got hurt the first time but went back for more.

The angry faces say, "Let me go play".

Hay tower at Jacob's Orchard in New Castle, Indiana.

On a "No Pre-school Friday", Mayhem and I visited "The Old Farm Market" in Avon to purchase old-fashioned pumpkins and giant gourds. Bummer, the have gone out of business!

Mayhem with Fall Pumpkins and Gourds for Halloween.

Mayhem with a Pirate, Arrgh!

Fall Break called for a trip to our local Zoo Boo and the world famous "Indianapolis Children's Museum" for trick-or-treating, pumpkin bowling, and a scare-free haunted house entitled, "Skeletown". My little one tired out after the first treat-post preferring to be carried and then tip-toed timidly thru the haunted house expecting a fright at every corner. It hadn't occurred to me that, at four, this was the first haunted house she would remember.

Vampires, Indians, Scouts, and Racecar Drivers oh my!

Class field trips took us to  "Country Pumpkins" in Zionsville and "Beasley's Orchard" in Danville for hayrides to pumpkin patches topped off with a free mini-pumpkin. You might want to start logging a pumpkin tally about now.

Preschoolers and pumpkins.

Finally, Halloween weekend arrived.  The kids enjoyed our trip to "Westside Retirement Village" for a safe treating experience. The residents were sitting in the lobbies handing out candy and we were pleasantly surprised by a haunted garden on the way to more candy-giving seniors, six thumbs up here.  


My teenager appreciated the duality of the elderly enjoying the children. Such a cute idea transforming a pathway into a spider garden- a giant spider waved happily at the end of the trail to lull visitors into a sense of well-being just before a friendly, smiling ghost popped out to say, "boo".  Unfortunately, the happy boo had my littlest jumping out of her skin.

Now, we aren't known to be a greedy family but while we were waiting for Daddy to complete his projects at work we needed to pass the time, so, we stopped off at "Church of the Master American Baptist" for trunk-or-treat before meeting up for "Ghoulish Garfield" . Forget about icing, Indy Park's Garfield Park, put the cherry on top of the cupcake. Picture perfect.   


The haunted conservatory is scary. My teenager let go of her six-year-old brother's hand  to grab her Daddy's! Daddy carried the shaking little one with one arm and held Sam with the other arm while I led the way with Jake. Seconds after telling a witch he wasn't scared at all some 'air' caused Jake to stick to the floor. The same 'air' that had Sam unglued (go figure, it was literally just air from a blower of some sort). Kudos to the spookmaster.  

The exit led directly to the hayride. "I'm never coming to this park again," exclaimed Jake!  "I know, I got worried when it said, 'not suitable for small children'," winced Sam. No one wanted to take a hayride but the clown taking our tickets (literally) assured us it was only a means of transport so off we went. Unfortunately, we were short on time. The ride leads to the Arts Center to decorate pumpkins and then to the Burello Family Center for refreshments and such. Time was running out so we opted to stay on the wagon.  Neither of us felt the need to walk back to our car toting frightened children through a dark park. An amazing ride thru the park with the full-moon and stars above made for the perfect ending to a fall-fun evening.

I question my sanity, as I remember my first haunted house at the age of six. My uncle was playing Frankenstein. It must have been a scare-free time for everything was well-lit. The coffin and vampire are burned into my psyche forever. Dracula chased us into the next room as my aunt shooed him away with her purse. I recognized my uncle right away - he's well over six feet tall - still I worried about Dracula.

Could Frankenstein stop him from sucking our blood? Could he pry the casket open if the venomous vampire tossed me inside? I have no idea what treasures the other rooms held.  While the smell of alcohol wreaked from the vampire's fangs the smell of fear drenched my aunt's persona. I could not be consoled by their trifling claims otherwise. Isn't it odd that Halloween is my favorite holiday?  

Thanks to that fateful day, I've never met a Creep I've liked since.  To be sure, we're going to have three kids who have an irrational fear of air.

Trick or Treating in Avon's Washington Township Park.

Trick or Treat.

Then, I took the kids to "Washington Park" in Avon for the non-scary, trick-or-treat trail. It's a nice hike thru the woods. Candy stations are sprinkled along the trails, cute, carnival-style games abound, and the kids enjoy a costume contest and $1 pumpkins all before dark.  This one is perfect for even the littlest tykes unless they discover an urgent need to potty. (Don't worry Jessica, we made it back to the public restroom, but I overheard one little boy who had to go behind a tree.)

Super easy Halloween Costumes: The kids were done with puppies, ladybugs, clones, hulks and pumpkins. So we went with comfortable costumes; that's a ghost puppy and a skeleton kid.

Halloween Party Activities: Bobbing for Rubber Duckies!

Tomorrow I present, "The Princess and Wanda Witch" at Garfield Park Arts Center, 2:30-4:30 p.m.

Wanda Witch, lead actress in our skit.

Join us but don't dawdle; I have to hurry home to take my kids trick-or-treating, hand out candy, and visit the festivities at "Spirit of Life Church" in Clermont. 

It's hard work making up for lost time. Mayhem has had several different costumes to celebrate the season.



Recommended Reading:

Five Little Pumpkins (A fun Halloween book for children)

A Ghost Went Trick or Treating

Poetry Out of the Mouths of Babes: Jake's Journey in Homeschool

Funny things kids say and write: kindergarten poetry

Kids kindergarten poetry lesson. Write a poem based on a book you've recently read. This is a fun exercise for a homeschooler's daily journal.

"First-Time Baby", Jake's first poem.

My First-born, Straight A++, turned Six in July,
Mini-Adult wrote this beautiful piece of literature.

This was based on a pattern prompt for class, 
"The egg becomes a chicken, The Tadpole becomes a Frog."
Jake took the idea and ran.

Punctuation and Spelling as written. 
Jake describes it as his story but what an awesome poem.


"First-Time Baby"

By C. Jacob (Jake) Wells


First the baby then 2 days old.

Then grow some more then 1 month old.

Then grow some more then 1 yer old.

Then 5 yers old.

Then gorw some more and more and before you know it your a growup.

And your 32 and your 6 Feet tall.

and grow some more and now your 60.

And rite now your sleeping and now your 95

and inside and waching tv.

And now somethig sad happnns

now your dead

under your

gave stone

and that is

the end for you.


Just sayin' with corrections maybe this could win a Pulitzer or at least a poetry competition.

COPYRIGHT 2010 CJW


Recommended Reading:

The Wise Enchanter: A Journey Through the Alphabet

A Dog's Purpose

Baby Book: Cute Baby Words and Sayings with Vernacular

Our Baby's Vernacular and Sayings Cute Words and Quotes

Mayhem's baby book memories: Mayhem's Dad was born and raised on the East Coast. Boston, Massachusetts. By the time we met he had very little accent left.  He finds my Hoosier, small-town vernacular amusing and often asks me to repeat things in "English, please".  For example, he and I both ride bi-sickles but while I also ride a motor-sickle, he rides a motor-cycle. The teasing of my 'country bumpkin' accent is endless.  Really? 


   
How many people do you know who ride a bi-cycle? 

Maybe in England.



Anywho....  Mayhem seems to have been born with a Bostonian Gene.

"Mommy, Good Mawning."   

Mayhem's Baby Word List:

Can you guess what these words represent?

Sqwiell

hawn

Cawn

wom

tawtise

Awweo

Guwd

Big Tortoise.

Colorful Fall gourds.

              
And, my favorite...

"Awweo, you know, Mommy,  AWWEO.  I don't know, Jada's puppy's name.  That Cookie!  I can't say it Mommy...  I just can't.  Aww-EEE-O!"      
      
Recommended Reading:

Beginning Reading

Quiddler

Persimmon Recipes, Wine, Patience, and History: How to Make it!

Persimmons? You Need a Recipe for Persimmon Wine. 

Every year, the Persimmon Tree looks dead or dormant. If you blink, you'll miss the beautiful blooms.Bountiful, orange-salmon fruits appear beckoning, but don't take the bait too soon.The pucker power is shocking causing the mouth to pucker and the tongue to tingle. Looking for Persimmon Recipes? What can you do with Persimmons? Here are things to make at home with Persimmons. Enjoy!



Indiana Persimmons: Persimmon Recipes.

It is said that harvest can be made after the first frost. One might want to wait for a frost or two to allow the fruit to ripen to a passionate, purply-orange. Keep an eye on the fruit. Don't pick them all at once, just like people, persimmons mature at various ages. Harvesting the perfect persimmon is an art. Rotten persimmons are not pleasant. One year, I picked a cupful at a time and froze them until I had enough for a batch.

Persimmon Jam.

Indiana Persimmon Pudding.

Persimmon Pie.

A batch of what? That is the perplexing problem with persimmons. A lot goes a little way. Perhaps a simple pudding, chutney, or jam for one. Maybe you'd like a cobbler or a pie?

The internet is abundant with recipes and instructions for picking and preparing the perfect persimmon. All Recipes has an amazing selection of persimmon recipes. My advice stir up a big helping of patience before starting. Removing the seed is a chore.

Native Americans made many predictions based on the persimmon tree. Once you've removed a seed cut it open to predict the weather. If you see a fork inside expect a mild winter.   

When all is said an done expect to end up with a putrid appearing unpalatable mess. Now, you are ready to prepare a persimmon recipe.

Click the link "The Patient Persimmon" above for everything you never wanted to know about Persimmons.

This year, I am thinking of trying this recipe. At least after all of the work, I can relax with a nice glass of wine in a year or two. After the tedious collecting and preparing of 3 lbs. of persimmon pulp, it might take more than one glass of wine to restore sanity.

PERSIMMON WINE

3 lbs ripe persimmons

2 1/2 lbs finely granulated sugar

1 tbl sp acid blend

1/2 tsp pectic enzyme

7 pts water

1 crushed Campden tablet

1/2 tsp yeast nutrient

1 packet Montrachet, Pasteur Red or Champagne yeast

Make Persimmon Wine at home.

Wash the persimmons, cut into quarters and mash the seeds out with your hands. Mash the pulp well, put into primary, and add half the sugar, the acid blend, yeast nutrient and crushed Campden tablet. Add water to total one gallon. Stir well to dissolve sugar, cover, and set aside. After 12 hours add pectic enzyme and recover. After another 12 hours, add yeast. Ferment 5-7 days, stirring daily. Strain through nylon sieve. Do not be concerned if a lot of fine pulp gets through; it will precipitate out. Add remaining sugar, stir very well, then transfer to secondary while leaving about three inches headroom. Fit air lock and set aside. Rack every 30 days until wine clears and no additional lees are laid down (4-6 months). Stabilize only if you feel the need to sweeten the wine before bottling. This wine should age in the bottle a year.

[Adapted recipe from Dorothy Alatorre's Home Wines of North America]

Recommended Reading:


Grandma Mary's Persimmon Compendium: My Grandmother's Persimmon Recipes *

Bringing Wine Home: Book Two *

Make Cinnamon Doughnuts at Home

RIP Michael Jackson

Tribute to Michael Jackson RIP

Michael Jackson, Billie Jean.

Ridiculously saddened. "This is it"...

Recommended Viewing:

Michael Jackson: This Is It

Michael Jackson: Live in Bucharest: The Dangerous Tour