If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy: The Family Relationship

Family Relationship Challenges

What’s the biggest relationship challenge in your family? How do you keep everything together, day in and day out, day after day? Time commitments, financial responsibilities, and emotional needs of each family member can take a toll on your happiness. Those people pleasers who need to take care of everyone often forget to take care of themselves. In my situation, I never wanted to spend money on personal needs (including health care) if it would take away from things my kids needed or wanted.

For years, we didn’t have health insurance, so any health setback caused major financial problems. I also didn’t take care of myself in other ways. I cut my own hair, never had a manicure until I was fifty years old, wore the same old clothes year after year, never went out to lunch with friends, never even saw my friends, and never indulged in frivolous things that I might want for the house. I considered any of that selfish.

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It’s important to take care of yourself. You’ve probably heard the quote, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain't nobody happy.” I’m sure there’s some truth to this. You can put on a happy face, but if your needs aren’t being met and you have nothing to look forward to, your relationship is going to suffer- even if you're not the one causing the majority of the turmoil. I know it’s difficult. I used to see other women spending too much time on themselves, ignoring the needs of their children. They’d go shopping for themselves several times a month while their children wore clothes they’d outgrown. I never wanted to be like that, but I took it too far the other way. You’ve been there. We don’t have to be martyrs to be mothers. Taking care of yourself, puts you in a better place. You’ll be better equipped to tackle those relationship issues with your partner. Communication is a key factor in the downward spiral of relationships. When communication is poor, everything else becomes difficult.

Eventually, lack of communication breaks the partnership. In my relationship, the more I tried to communicate with my partner, the more difficult the relationship became. There are things couples need to discuss. Things that can’t be swept under the rug. Plans for the future, health of your children, plans to make about family events to attend, even how each of you are feeling about the status of your relationship. When you have a partner who won’t talk to you about any of it, you’ve got a problem that needs fixed. Parents need to keep a united front for their children. They need to work together as a team for the greater good of the family, even if it means sacrificing the personal desires.

For me, self-care felt like a selfish, personal desire because my partner took up all that empty space for himself. He worked all the time or found extra things to do to help others, just to avoid coming home and facing real life problems. These problems ranged from my serious illness where I was bedridden for months, to house repairs, financial responsibilities, and even mental health problems the kids were facing. I couldn’t run off for a haircut or even a doctor’s appointment because there was no safety net. He couldn’t seem to  find an hour to give me a break and if he did, he’d use that hour to sleep - not to watch the kids. So, everywhere I went, I took the kids. Everywhere. 

Check out this old post about a family excursion, see any red flags?

Let me tell you, this is not only unhealthy for you, it’s also unhealthy for your kids. We all need time apart from each other. The kids feel it too. They need options. They need time away from the family.  Sure, we attended homeschool groups, summer camps, special events, 4-H and any other free or low cost activity I could find, but none of it made the pitfalls in our broken family any better. It just kept our mind’s busy enough to make it through another day- or so I thought.

Mama needs time to feel good about herself. Sure, you may think you don’t want to jog or join a walking club. You may think you can cut your own hair to save money for the greater good, you may think a vice here and there, maybe a pint of ice cream or bar of chocolate, are good survival mechanisms, but in the long run, if your always the one making sacrifices life’s not going to turn out like you hoped.

Remember when you started your relationship with your partner? You took care of yourself, you took showers- maybe even relaxing baths, you did your makeup, and bought yourself a flattering outfit. You went out to lunch with your friends. You had dinner dates with your partner and even did activities that you both enjoyed together. You probably even talked about your hopes and dreams for the future. Don’t let yourself get lost in the shuffle.  If it's not too late, fix it. If it is too late, do yourself a favor and try to fix it before throwing in the towel.

Don’t try to wait it out and hope it will get better. There’s no need to feel guilty about taking time for yourself.. If you can’t possibly spare the money or feel like spending money on relationship counseling would set you back financially, there are many affordable online counseling services out there. ReGain is a great place to start. There are  plenty of self-help articles and videos that can kick start your decision making process and help you decide what’s best for your family. 

Going back to school and investing in one's self is also a huge deal for self-confidence and mental stimulation/relaxation. Healthcare-related fields offer great satisfaction and challenge.  Looking at community colleges or schools for certification or insurance coding can be a great first step.

Life balance is important. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t decide that you must've done something to deserve your current situation. Sometimes, you can’t fix it on your own, sometimes the answer is right in front of you, but the outcome will have unavoidable consequences. On the flip side, sometimes, if you make small changes in your personal life, if you start taking care of yourself and taking pride in your own achievements, everything else will fall into place. Your children won’t suffer from a parent who takes care of themselves, when Mama is happy, there’s a far better chance that everyone else is happy too. Don’t wait until it’s too late. 

Your happy ending is waiting for you.

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Mommy, you look beautiful.

More QUOTE memes

Help Child Succeed in School

 5 Factors That Determine a Child’s Academic Success

If a child falls behind at school, some teachers might blame the student or their parents, while parents might blame the teachers. While each child’s educational experience is different, certain circumstances can determine their performance and grades, which might be beyond their control. Read about the five factors that can determine a child’s academic success.

1. Emotional Stability

Students with more emotional stability tend to perform better at school, as they can cope with pressure and adapt to an academic environment with ease. Plus, they tend to develop friendly, respectful, and relaxed behaviors. 

However, children living with depression, anxiety, or aggression might struggle with behavioral issues and find it difficult to earn good grades. If your child has poor emotional stability, they could improve their mental well-being with therapy, group support, or prescription medication.

2. Classroom Respect

Disruptive behavior can interrupt lesson plans, negatively impact another student’s education, and result in poor grades and test scores. If a student doesn’t respect a teacher or a school, they are more likely to chat during class, talk back to an educator, or appear insubordinate.

Teachers can take back control of a disruptive class by adopting a tried and tested classroom management strategy, such as offering praise or using non-verbal communication. Also, parents must avoid making negative comments about a teacher or school to their children, as this can cause a lack of respect in the classroom.

3. Parental Imitation

Children will often observe and imitate a parent’s attitude and behavior. If a parent has a negative outlook on schools, education, or work ethic, their children might adopt the same mindset. 

If you want your son or daughter to perform well in school, secure fantastic grades, and enter a rewarding career, you must lead by example. To do so, you must promote education, positive thinking, and a hard work ethic.

4. Educational Inequality

Children from poor backgrounds are often at a disadvantage. For example, many children from low-income families struggled with computer access or internet accessibility when self-isolating during the Covid-19 pandemic. As a result, many will have fallen behind on their education, while students from higher-income families will have remained on track.

Also, all schools aren’t created equal. Some will receive more funding than others, which can lead to some educators struggling with a lack of textbooks, stationery, or financial resources for field trips and educational activities. The inequality can lead to poor grades, low test scores, and fewer career prospects.

5. Stressors

Children are not immune to worry or stress. Various external factors can affect their focus and performance in the classroom and shape their grades. For example, a child might become disengaged due to bullying, family problems, or a mental health condition. 

It is both a parent’s and teacher’s responsibility to get to the root cause of a child’s poor grades and find an appropriate solution, such as therapy or suspending a bully. Common signs of stressors can include sleeping difficulties, angry outbursts, a lack of interest in hobbies, or changes in eating habits.

Free Online Relationship Counseling

Are you Struggling to get Along with your Family?

For the next series of posts, we're going to stray a little bit from our regular article topics. We often talk about parenting and share advice for parenting teens, but we've rarely talked about the relationship between two parents. Whether you're married, living together, or co-parenting after a separation, that relationship is a key factor in your parenting success. We want to model healthy, mature relationships for our children, but that is often easier said than done, especially, when you throw in all the expenses of raising a family. However, there are online sources that can help with most of life's struggles. If you're looking for free online relationship counseling, we've got your back.

This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

Is it time to take a look in the mirror?

As you know, we have a series of mommy bloggers who contribute posts to this website, they also help with our Digital Marketing business. As we get new clients,  we sometimes discover that different clients' needs are better suited to one staffer as opposed to another. Sometimes, it's due to work ethic, ability to communicate on a particular topic, or even a staffer's personal passion (or lack thereof)  for a subject. As the editor-in -chief of this website I also have faced conflict of interests, time constraints, or personality clashes with certain clients' content topics. One that particularly comes to mind, is what, at the time, I saw as a lack of interest in the subject matter. 

After working with the client for several weeks, I came to realize it wasn’t a lack of interest that I was facing, but a lack of personal courage. While speaking to the client each week, I enjoyed the conversation and even felt a kindred spirit with her. On the flip side, I dreaded our weekly consultations. I'd find a dozen reasons to put off those weekly calls. I was consulting her on the best way to promote her articles, so calls were a necessary part of the work week. I felt miserable after our calls. I was trying to avoid that feeling. The client was a divorce consultant... 

Every week, she had shiny, new articles to share and we’d discuss the best way to market them. As I read the articles to prep the marketing strategy and create striking image text, I’d become depressed. These articles were hitting home. I soon realized, I was her target demographic. I didn't like the way it made me feel. It was a slap in the face, a weekly reminder that I needed to make a change in my own life.

I also didn’t like that I was broke. I could easily benefit from utilizing her services, but I couldn’t afford it - or wouldn’t. The fee for the program was $1000.  Most of us don’t have the budget for an unexpected $1000 monthly expense. If we do, our budget considers it an emergency fund  for broken water pipes, a new furnace, or other homeowner’s expenses. The kind of things that  you and your partner would share the blow of the expense. “Sorry, Honey,  I used our emergency money for a divorce consultant.” Yeah, that’s not going to go over well for anybody, right? Keeping those kinds of secrets is exactly why you need a relationship consultant. So, most of us suffer in silence, hoping it will all work itself out. It won’t.

Fast forward two and half years later, here I am. Those articles were the catalyst I needed to start the process of removing myself from a very broken relationship. This meant shaking up the lives of many people, making difficult decisions, and hoping that I was doing the right thing. In the end, I made the right choice. Things aren’t easy, life comes at you way too fast, but emotionally, I’m in a much better place. If only I’d taken advantage of other free online marriage counseling or the many online mental health services sooner, I could’ve avoided some issues and been more prepared to help my children deal with the upheaval it placed on their lives. 

We’re still working out the bugs, but all in all, it was the best decision for everyone involved. Sometimes, you just have to step back and evaluate your situation. Change is scary. If three years ago, someone would've told me that I’d own my own home, be responsible for the note on two cars, two houses, and all the other expenses that take their toll on a head of household, be a single parent with two teenagers in public school, and working outside the home, I would’ve told you that you that I couldn’t do it. Me, the advocate for “You can do it!” would’ve said, I’m not strong enough or capable enough to pull off the life of a professional single mother. I would've rather rolled up in a ball and never got out of bed. 

At the time, I didn’t realize that I was depressed. I had a series of health setbacks. I’d become comfortable in my unhappiness. It was a mess, but at least I knew how everyday was going to play out. Ugh. They all played out the same way. There was no hope for the future, only hope to make it through to the next day- to survive another day. My kids had been feeling the same way. Are we all Disney happy now? No, far from it but, even in these trying times, we all have hope for the future. Stay tuned for more on this story.

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When your Child is Being Cyberbullied

What To Do If Your Child Is Being Cyberbullied

Your child being bullied is every parent's worst nightmare. Naturally, you want to do whatever you can to stop it and protect your child from the bullies. What will you do when your child is being cyberbullied?

This post contains Amazon affiliate links for your convenience.

Cyberbullying is a concern of recent decades. Cyberbullying plays out online, in texts, and on social media, and takes a different form than physical bullying. This makes cyberbullying far more difficult to monitor and manage. It's a lot easier to spot a child being harassed in a classroom than in their Snapchat messages. How can teachers and parents police kids' cyber-lives? How can you even tell if your child is being cyberbullied? 

Here, we break down a few signs that your child may be the victim of cyberbullying, and what you can do about it. There are loads of groups you can turn to for help, whether you are dealing with Cyberbullying in UAE, America, or elsewhere. If your kid is the cyberbully get help here.

Spotting the Signs

There are some common signs that your child is being cyberbullied, including:

1) Nervous, anxious, or jumpy when receiving a text, email, or message on social media, or when using it generally.

2) Very reluctant to tell you about what they do online. 

3) Upset, angry, or stressed after online gaming or another online activity. 

4) Suddenly leaving their console, phone, tablet, or computer after using it, or suddenly closing the device before an activity is completed.

5) Disrupted sleep patterns: Your child struggles to sleep at night and/or has become tired and irritable during the day.

6) Doesn't want to go to school or spend time with friends, and withdraws from family and friends in real life. 

7) Sudden, unexplainable changes in health such as weight gain or loss, change in appetite, headaches, stomachaches.

In particular, be alert for changes in behavior that suggest your child is depressed. Any comments that indicate suicidal feelings are an immediate red flag. 

What You Can Do

Parents often feel powerless when they think or know that their child is being cyberbullied. Bullying is bad enough, but cyberbullying lives in a space that is unfamiliar to many parents and out of their reach to help. Don't worry, there are plenty of options out there for you. 

1) Talk to Your Child

Children often feel embarrassed or ashamed when they are being bullied, cyber or not. Talk to them calmly and just listen to their response. Don't make excuses for the bully or minimize what is happening. Validate your child's feelings and consider how they want this resolved.

2) Take Action

Collect evidence of the cyberbullying - encourage them to take screenshots and save messages, conversations, and emails. If your child's bully goes to their school, the school will be able to deal with the child in question based on the proof you provide. Also take notes of how your child seems at the time of cyberbullying, any background to the bullying, and the views of any witnesses. 

Some cyberbullying can rise to the level of criminality, so you can take it to the police if you believe the bullying is severe. Consider this, particularly if the bullying is based on race, gender, sexual orientation, or disability.

3) Avoid the Bully's Parents

Many parents naturally want to confront the bully's parents, but this is unhelpful. They can become defensive if confronted about their child's actions, which won't help resolve the bullying. Only engage with them if the school or another authority is mediating.

4) Consider Counseling

The effects of bullying can be long-lasting and traumatic. Consider seeking out a counselor for your child as soon as they feel ready. A mental health professional can help them process what they are going through. 

Offer Support

Reassure your child that this bullying will not last forever and the issue will get resolved. Tell them you're there for them no matter what's happening. This will help to bolster their mood while the matter of is worked through. Hopefully, these helpful tips help you feel more comfortable in knowing what to do when your child is being cyberbullied.

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Inspiring Kids to be More Creative can Boost Self Esteem

 Different Ways to Inspire Creativity in Your Child 

As a parent, it's often challenging to see your child struggling, especially with their creative endeavors. It's essential to inspire children to explore their passions and interests. For young girls, especially, it can be difficult not to get pulled along by peers and lose sight of personal interests and passions. One way to help all kids find their voice and unique passion is to inspire their creative flow with lots of creative activities. Encourage your boys and girls to try something outside of their comfort zone!

This post contains Amazon and other affiliate links for your convenience.

School plays are a creative outlet that builds self-confidence
 and life long friendships.

If you follow along on this blog, you know that kids being creative is our lifeblood. Kids Creative Chaos is not only our name, but our mantra. Creativity is often a chaotic event, but it needs to take place! Never choose a clean house over letting a child explore their creativity. Squelching creativity can have unwanted outcomes. Empower your kids to be themselves, explore their creativity, and improve their self-esteem in the process! And never, never, fall into the old stereotypes of labeling activities for boys or for girls. Without even knowing it, you can be killing a child's self-worth and dreams. As we always say, let them try, try try!

Inspiring creativity is a challenging tasks for most parents. Kids often choose not to do something simply because their parents have suggested it. Other times, they may feel insecure about trying something new. Try to encourage different creative pursuits as an outlet for self-esteem, fellowship, and mental health. Here are a few simple ways on how to cultivate your child’s creativity. 

Mayhem in a school band production.

Introduce kids to different types of crafts

Introducing your child to different ways to be creative allows their mind to develop away from the rigid confines of the creativity taught in many schools. It shows children the art of critical thinking and developing passions beyond the ordinary. Ask your child what interests them, but also give them options and ideas to inspire their creative and critical thinking.

If you wonder what this might look like, consider introducing your kids to different expressions of art that inspire creativity. For example, listen to music with them, discuss musical instruments and let them try one. Many cities have musical petting zoos or other opportunities to test an instrument.

Activities for Creative Expression

Jake in an adaptation of Brother's Grimm.

You can also show your kids different forms of creative expression with painting and other arts and crafts. Allow them to play and explore. The earlier kids start experimenting with creativity, the better chance it will have an affect on their emotional stability and self-esteem. So, be sure to take your kids to museums, the theater, and to music concerts to inspire their senses and allow them to engage in all sorts of artistic pursuits. If you want to learn more about that, here's an article from Berkeley on why the arts matter.

On a side note, always remember to read with your children and encourage critical discussion on the book and its themes. A child with a curious mind will find it easier to access their personal creativity. 

Surrealist Art Activity for Elementary Children

Give Kids creative gifts

Giving a child and exciting gift that isn't clothes or a video game, might inspire them to think creatively or get actively moving and making art. If you're struggling for ideas for your daughter, there are many gifts for girls to choose from that don't need to sit within the confines of gendered stereotypes. For example, you could buy her a zine-making kit. Firstly, making things helps kids to be more creative, but secondly, creating their own magazine can encourage kids to use their voice for good. Zines are a great way for children of all ages and genders to write and be creative. Click here for gift ideas that are targeting boys but can work for either gender. My daughter always hated to be excluded from toy cars, trains, and Transformers and my son loves to use hot pink as an accent color for sunglasses, hats, or other accessories. He gets a kick out of people giving him a hard time. Self-confidence at work!

Books about the Arts for Kids

Allow kids to explore 

Finally, one of the most important ways to inspire creativity within your child is to allow them to explore on their own. For a child, exploring comes in many shapes and forms, from creative play to fashion. If you want your child to develop a unique identity and a sense of themselves, they have to learn what they like and don't like.

See how we encouraged our daughter to dress however she pleased.

Kids have to try out activities and get things wrong. Making mistakes is an excellent way for a child to learn, and this can also be applied to their creative endeavors. So, give your kids some paint or a dress-up box and encourage them to explore. Then, stay engaged in their exploration and find out more about what they are doing and why, but never force it- being an over zealous parent can backfire. Play it cool, and watch your kids have fun with the skills you helped to create.

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Book Tips for Kids

First Ladies Book: Rosalynn Carter Activities

Rosalynn Carter, First Lady of the United States

This post contains affiliate links for your convenience.

Nearly every United States President has had a first lady. Often, when given an assignment for a book report or biography, the President is the subject matter. Throughout history, our first ladies have made amazing contributions to our country. In this post, we learn about first lady, Rosalynn Carter. Enjoy!

Feeling Disrespected by Family

Do you often feel cast aside and disrespected by family members?

Are you feeling disrespected in your relationships? Most of us feel disrespected at times, even when no one really means to show us disrespect. Parenting is hard, but being the mom is harder. Society puts pressure on moms to always do the right thing, to put on a happy face, and never to let the family see that you’re human too. How do you know when you’re just feeling emotional versus when the disrespect is out of control? Feeling disrespected by family stifles good vibes, what can you do?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't quote.

 This sponsored post contains Amazon affiliate links. All opinions are my own.

 

Kids will be kids. But when teenagers behave like teenagers, family relationships can get difficult. When do you choose your battle, when do you ignore the emotional roller coaster, and when do you jump on the parenting train to try to fix it? Is it just a phase or are they modeling the behavior of another family member? If your partner is disrespectful, chances are your kids will be too. Not sure if your partner has crossed the line? ReGain has a very eye-opening article that can help you decide.

Get my Debut Novel: Allegedly Mystic

If your kids are suffering from the effects of your relationship, they may act out or become depressed. Children, especially teens, get frustrated by their lack of control over their life situations. Sometimes they feel like the situation is hopeless- no matter how hard you try to work with them. I’ve been down this road more than once. It doesn’t get any easier with practice. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and be prepared to be the bad guy no matter what you say. The old adage, “You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t,” starts to feel like the title of your life.

When I split with my partner of fifteen years, we all suffered with depression and the fear of the unknown. As a parent, watching your children suffer is painful. No matter how much you want to help, your help may not be the answer. Public school counselors can often help zero in on issues like adhd, autism, depression, suicidal tendencies, or other emotional issues. If you’re a homeschooler, finding an affordable counselor isn’t as easy. There are many online resources. This article might help a teen who is fighting to hold back tears when they’re feeling frustrated or angry: Why do I cry when I’m Mad?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, this article from GoodTherapy shares a list of teen help hotlines and other free mental health resources. Your pediatrician can also do a depression evaluation survey, and based on the results, refer you to a family counselor. Many family therapists operate on a sliding scale. 

Articles on Autism

After the upheaval in our family, the kids and I moved to our happy place. A little cottage on a quiet lake, where we could swim, kayak, and birdwatch to our heart’s content. The first few weeks we kept our minds busy by remodeling the house, but after a while reality set in, and we decided to try family counseling. No one really enjoyed it, we had to make some sacrifices to find an affordable therapist which ended up being an hour from home. By the time we got off the waiting list, much of the family dynamic had changed and the diagnosis was changed from severe depression to adhd. The counselor had to have a diagnosis for our insurance to continue to pay, but it didn’t really seem to fit our circumstances.

With other members of the family with adhd, we had some prior experience dealing with the ups and downs, and this really wasn’t the same thing. It was nice to have a neutral party listen to our problems, but it wasn’t really worth the trouble. It caused more stress on an already stressed relationship, because the kids didn’t want to go and the family dynamic continued to play out. I know that sounds counterintuitive. I know that I’m the parent and I shouldn’t let the kids overrule me, but believe me, this wasn’t good for any of us. At the time, an online therapy option would’ve been ideal. 

Finally, the best solution for our family came through the advice of our pediatrician, the kids needed their own life. They needed more activities that they enjoyed. Sure, we did homeschool groups, 4-H, and summer camps, but it wasn’t enough. My kids were at a place in their lives where they needed more, even if they didn’t want more. They also needed less. Less time with mom, less time with each other. We all needed some space to help distance ourselves from the previous situation.

The biggest battle we faced was a lack of real relationships. There were no close relationships so that the kids could see healthy family behaviors modeled. We lived over an hour away from any relatives, so extended family time was few and far between. It was definitely time for a major change. After some heartfelt conversations with the pediatrician, relatives, and close friends, we decided our life needed an overhaul. The biggest piece of the puzzle that we all longed for was a sense of belonging. So we packed our bags and moved back to my hometown where we could be closer to family that would provide a support network as we all stepped out into the real world for the first time in years. I took a part-time job as an activity assistant at a retirement home and the kids both enrolled in public school. Talk about change! Change is scary, but sometimes we need a catalyst to set our lives in the right direction. All of these changes have led me to a wonderful opportunity with our local Habitat for Humanity. Look for more updates in coming posts.

 

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