Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Healthy Family Advice

Can't We All Just Get Along?

The last few articles have been on the subject of mental health and the breakup of the family unit. As the family situation changes, so do the matters of family concern. Of course, how you deal with these changes affect the future mental health of your children, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. As mentioned in a previous article, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” My advice is this, self-care is a key element to a happy, healthy family, but be careful, don't over do it.

                                                  This post contains Amazon and other affiliate links.

healthy relationships how to get along self care  quote


If you’ve come off a long-term, unhealthy relationship, chances are you’ve been neglecting self-care. Self-care is key to your happiness. Newly separated or divorced individuals might choose to jump out into the dating scene. At first, it's exciting and new. If you've been in a bad situation, going out on dates and having fun can feel like self-care, but you need to be careful that all that good time fun having doesn’t lead to an even more unhealthy rebound relationship. Just like our children, we need to make healthy choices.

Practice being alone. I can’t emphasize this enough. Spend time alone. As much time as it takes for you to get over the pain. And as much time as you need to grow as a person. Learn from your mistakes and take care of yourself.  As I age, I see intelligent women jumping into relationships. Perhaps, they’ve been a stay-at-home mom. Maybe they’ve never held a full-time job. Some never had the chance to go to college. They’ve never managed their own finances. Often, they feel like they just can’t handle the responsibilities of taking care of themselves and their children. So, they go out on a man hunt. The goal is to find a better man than the last one. Some are looking for a man to meet their financial expectations, others are looking for companionship, and some are looking for a father figure for their children. Whatever the reason, they jump into a relationship too soon. Been there done that. 


Healthy Family


I got married while still in college. It was okay. Just okay. I wanted to be happy, but we were young and a lot was missing in the relationship. At that point in my life, the idea of a wedding was more important than the idea of a marriage. We were friends and companions struggling to find common ground, but something was always missing. Both of us had placed our focus on gaining knowledge and prepping for a career and little attention was given to intimacy. As starving college students, there was no money for fun things and then we jumped into buying a house, and then another house, and then it all just got way too overwhelming. There was simply no fun to be had.

Eventually, we talked to friends, family, and clergy. We attended counseling. It all pointed to the same thing, we just didn’t have the same goals or the same outlook on life. We ended the relationship in an amicable fashion. And that’s when my real troubles started. I briefly dated, but playing the field has never been my thing. Dating in your late 20’s is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Ugh. It’s a brave new world. With my thirtieth birthday looming over my head, I really wanted to settle down and start a family before it was too late. I had some great men to choose from, two were truly amazing with interesting careers. One was neither amazing, nor did he have a great career. He was lucky to hold down a job. But he had what I wanted. A little girl. My family doctor and the counselor both advised against any serious relationship or even dating after the first year of a breakup, but my biological clock was ticking. Tick tock. Having been told I likely could never have children, I jumped at the chance. 

However, that wasn’t the only thing. He was fun. Oh so fun! He loved to dance, hike, bike, play sports, cook, and clean. One day, he called me one of the “cools.” I had been feeling lost. I was never cool. I wanted to do all those things I felt I’d missed out on in high school and college. Except I didn’t. I was still that goody two shoes inside. His risky lifestyle stressed me out. We fought. Among other things, he drank. He was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. It was like a dark movie from one of those cable tv channels for women. That was my first rebound.

After that, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to pick myself up again. I had a lot of counseling. I saw a psychiatrist. I took various medications. Was I suicidal? Not really, but it seemed like life had gotten the best of me. I felt like a failure in every way imaginable. No kids, no career to speak of, and no real chance to recover from all the despair because, in my head, I was old. Oh, so old. I turned to online dating. It was uplifting to have so many men interested in dating me. It was also terrifying. That was the start of rebound number two. Not only did I not wait a year to date, in only a few short months I had moved in with a man and was pregnant. At the time, it seemed like he had everything I wanted. A good job, two kids, pets, a nice home. He was a widower and that (like the alcoholism before him) fulfilled my need for codependency. I had something to do, people to take care of, and dreams to fulfill. Except, we were less compatible than the previous rebound relationship. Shortly after my son was born, I became pregnant again.

Things weren’t ideal, but I always questioned myself. Why not? Maybe I was the problem. I should’ve been content. I was determined to make it work. I mean, after all, he wasn’t abusing me. He yelled a lot. It triggered old feelings from the previous relationship. I cried a lot. It made him mad. I cried more. It was an endless cycle. We barely knew each other. We met online. We were both lonely. As it came to be that he was my only friend for many years, we were really never friends. We both tried. The harder I tried, the more difficult it got. And now, there were kids involved. I didn’t want to break up the family unit. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. Ugh, the damage I did to all of us by trying to stick this one out. We were the absolute opposite of compatible. I will spare you the gory details.

I had so many health issues. I spent months in bed, with nothing more to do than reflect on my past. I knew it had to end. But I was scared. Could I do it alone? Was I strong enough? I started stepping up my game, working harder from home, seeing various specialists and improving my health, and building credit. Once I knew what had to be done, I still wasn’t ready to do it. Things finally worked out in a way that made ending the relationship the most logical decision. It was difficult, but I didn’t need to seek counseling. I threw myself into my work, my writing, and the remodeling of my new house.

After years of thinking about it, deep down, I knew if I were ever to have another relationship again, I’d have to be strong. I’d have to take care of myself first, I’d need a break. I wrote down the pros and cons of dating. Months passed. I thought about what I wanted. What I needed, who I wanted and why. I realized I didn’t need a man to be happy. But I wanted that companionship that had eluded me for most of my life.


Why it's okay to Need a Man


It was always the same set of traits that had always led me to the same conclusion. But, I didn’t want to make the wrong choice with the right choice. So, naively, I  attempted to play the field again, but I didn’t date. I just talked. I talked to several old friends and acquaintances. This time no online dating, no strangers. I weaned them all out. I settled on one for an attempt at dating. We talked for weeks before meeting in person. I knew him from high school. He seemed to fit the criteria. But low and behold, it was a mistake. A big mistake, but one I wanted to cling to because I was sad and lonely. I had basically given up. I was about to turn fifty. There was no more time for mistakes. If I thought dating in my late twenties was hard - whoa. In your fifties, it’s a whole new frontier. Casual dating wasn’t an option for me. 

I took a few weeks to get myself together. I pulled out my list again, and this time, I realized what I always needed had always been there. Sometimes, you just need a friend.


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If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy: The Family Relationship

Family Relationship Challenges


What’s the biggest relationship challenge in your family? How do you keep everything together, day in and day out, day after day? Time commitments, financial responsibilities, and emotional needs of each family member can take a toll on your happiness. Those people pleasers who need to take care of everyone often forget to take care of themselves. In my situation, I never wanted to spend money on personal needs (including health care) if it would take away from things my kids needed or wanted.


For years, we didn’t have health insurance, so any health setback caused major financial problems. I also didn’t take care of myself in other ways. I cut my own hair, never had a manicure until I was fifty years old, wore the same old clothes year after year, never went out to lunch with friends, never even saw my friends, and never indulged in frivolous things that I might want for the house. I considered any of that selfish.



This sponsored post contains Amazon affiliate links. All opinions are my own.



if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy quote song



It’s important to take care of yourself. You’ve probably heard the quote, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain't nobody happy.” I’m sure there’s some truth to this. You can put on a happy face, but if your needs aren’t being met and you have nothing to look forward to, your relationship is going to suffer- even if you're not the one causing the majority of the turmoil. I know it’s difficult. I used to see other women spending too much time on themselves, ignoring the needs of their children. They’d go shopping for themselves several times a month while their children wore clothes they’d outgrown. I never wanted to be like that, but I took it too far the other way. You’ve been there. We don’t have to be martyrs to be mothers. Taking care of yourself, puts you in a better place. You’ll be better equipped to tackle those relationship issues with your partner. Communication is a key factor in the downward spiral of relationships. When communication is poor, everything else becomes difficult.




Eventually, lack of communication breaks the partnership. In my relationship, the more I tried to communicate with my partner, the more difficult the relationship became. There are things couples need to discuss. Things that can’t be swept under the rug. Plans for the future, health of your children, plans to make about family events to attend, even how each of you are feeling about the status of your relationship. When you have a partner who won’t talk to you about any of it, you’ve got a problem that needs fixed. Parents need to keep a united front for their children. They need to work together as a team for the greater good of the family, even if it means sacrificing the personal desires.


For me, self-care felt like a selfish, personal desire because my partner took up all that empty space for himself. He worked all the time or found extra things to do to help others, just to avoid coming home and facing real life problems. These problems ranged from my serious illness where I was bedridden for months, to house repairs, financial responsibilities, and even mental health problems the kids were facing. I couldn’t run off for a haircut or even a doctor’s appointment because there was no safety net. He couldn’t seem to  find an hour to give me a break and if he did, he’d use that hour to sleep - not to watch the kids. So, everywhere I went, I took the kids. Everywhere. 



Check out this old post about a family excursion, see any red flags?



Let me tell you, this is not only unhealthy for you, it’s also unhealthy for your kids. We all need time apart from each other. The kids feel it too. They need options. They need time away from the family.  Sure, we attended homeschool groups, summer camps, special events, 4-H and any other free or low cost activity I could find, but none of it made the pitfalls in our broken family any better. It just kept our mind’s busy enough to make it through another day- or so I thought.


Mama needs time to feel good about herself. Sure, you may think you don’t want to jog or join a walking club. You may think you can cut your own hair to save money for the greater good, you may think a vice here and there, maybe a pint of ice cream or bar of chocolate, are good survival mechanisms, but in the long run, if your always the one making sacrifices life’s not going to turn out like you hoped.


Remember when you started your relationship with your partner? You took care of yourself, you took showers- maybe even relaxing baths, you did your makeup, and bought yourself a flattering outfit. You went out to lunch with your friends. You had dinner dates with your partner and even did activities that you both enjoyed together. You probably even talked about your hopes and dreams for the future. Don’t let yourself get lost in the shuffle.  If it's not too late, fix it. If it is too late, do yourself a favor and try to fix it before throwing in the towel.


Don’t try to wait it out and hope it will get better. There’s no need to feel guilty about taking time for yourself.. If you can’t possibly spare the money or feel like spending money on relationship counseling would set you back financially, there are many affordable online counseling services out there. ReGain is a great place to start. There are  plenty of self-help articles and videos that can kick start your decision making process and help you decide what’s best for your family. 


Going back to school and investing in one's self is also a huge deal for self-confidence and mental stimulation/relaxation. Healthcare-related fields offer great satisfaction and challenge.  Looking at community colleges or schools for certification or insurance coding can be a great first step.


Life balance is important. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t decide that you must've done something to deserve your current situation. Sometimes, you can’t fix it on your own, sometimes the answer is right in front of you, but the outcome will have unavoidable consequences. On the flip side, sometimes, if you make small changes in your personal life, if you start taking care of yourself and taking pride in your own achievements, everything else will fall into place. Your children won’t suffer from a parent who takes care of themselves, when Mama is happy, there’s a far better chance that everyone else is happy too. Don’t wait until it’s too late. 


Your happy ending is waiting for you.



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Mommy, you look beautiful.


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Part Two: Why Sucky Boys Make Me Cry

Advice for Teens - Don't Cry.

Advice for Teens Why sucky boys make me cry.
Advice for Teens =  Don't Cry.
You might want to start with Part One: Teen Heartbreak.

Girls are sucky too.   Teenagers suck.  I didn't like most of them when I was a teenager - something crazy happens to their brains.  I've never understood it.  Perfectly intelligent, respectable kids turn into illogical beings from outer space.

I hate that most teenagers act without thinking.  Somehow, they convince themselves that point B does not result from Point A.  Now, medical science has proven it is a consequence of an undeveloped brain.  The brain does not fully develop the ability to think things through until our twenties. The Teen Brain

Don't tell them that!  It makes a great excuse, blame it on science.

What about our conscience?  Or our mechanisms for fear?  The fear of God, the fear of strict parents, or the fear of ruining our reputations as decent, honorable human beings?  The fear of not making it into our twenties? 

I was raised on a heightened sense of  fear.  Sure, I made some mistakes.  Mostly, I set lofty goals for myself and strived to keep them.  I am basically proud of my teen years.  Even the best of us succumb to peer pressure.

I also had an incredible friend that I admired and respected.  Even when she wasn't around, I worried what she would think if she found out I did something dumb. I didn't want to disappoint anyone- especially myself.

If your conscience doesn't work so well, you need a friend like this, preferably, one that you can't tell a lie.

Hey teenagers!  It is difficult to live with disappointing yourself.  Once you start letting yourself down, it gets easier each time, "Well, I've already broken this rule so I might as well break that one - it's not nearly as shameful."  Besides, you're having fun so it can't be all bad, right? 

Okay, maybe a little rule breaking builds character, maybe it gives you a strong foundation for becoming a smart adult.  You are walking a very thin line. Once that side of you takes over it is hard to stop.  Self-esteem shoots out the window before it even had a chance to take hold.

Sucky girls make me cry too, but this is not about girls.

Boys! They are not smarter than you.  They are not cooler than you.  They probably aren't more experienced than you.  Somehow, they've learned to spin an excellent yarn or act an amazing show.

It wasn't until my brothers became teenagers that I fully understood this phenomenon.  They were babies.  They didn't know anything.  They hurt but kept it hidden from the world.  They weren't cool but put on an awesome show.  Girls really liked them. 

Sadly, that guy you admire is afraid of you.  He is afraid of his friends too. They are all joking about sex.   Geesh, he doesn't even know what the other guys are referring too.  Maybe, they've got cable or free access to the Internet.  Maybe their parents are too open.  He feels stupid, maybe, you know more than he does.  Sucky boy has to play it cool.  He doesn't want to be left out of the game.

So, you buy into the cool persona and you fall head over heels.  You've never met anyone so mature (cough, cough). His breath on your neck makes you swoon...  that's unfortunate. 

He's so experienced vs.Your such a lame. 

Maybe he could teach you something.  He whispers sweet nothings...  Does he?  Or does he say things to smash your self-esteem?  "What have you got to lose?"  "I heard you..."  So what if he did?  So what if you did?  You don't have to make the same mistake twice!!

That boy set a lofty goal, one he thought was unobtainable and there you are to fulfill his wishes.  After all, 'He's the one', Prince Charming is going to take you away from your miserable life.  You like having a beau and you feel threatened - if you don't do it you're sure to lose him.

Red Flag Alert!  Red Flag Alert!  Run the other way as fast as you can.

Sure, it happens for some people.  They marry their high-school sweetheart and live... ever after.

Boys are kids, just like you, with Mommys and Daddys who discipline them.  How embarrassing.  How shameful, You can't let anyone know your parents treat you like a little kid!  You have to play it cool.

Cool people know this sucks.  It sucks to feel like you are the only one doing the right thing.  It's embarrassing.  The teasing is grueling.  It takes a brave kid to stand up in a room full of uncool kids and say, "This makes me uncomfortable, I'm leaving." 

Sure, some of them will laugh at you.  They'll  mock you.  They'll dare you.  But, what if, one kid asks for a ride home.  What if no one is as brave as you this time, but your actions really hit home and someone vows never to do this again?  You could be a hero, a truly, cool person.

Don't cave in on your morals.  Don't ignore your conscience.  More importantly, 'Don't give up on yourself.'

When you grow up, (if) you'll likely discover that most kids weren't doing everything you thought they were, and the kids that were probably fantasized about being cool just like you.  They wanted parents that really cared or the courage to stand up for their core values.

Sucky boys make me cry because they are somebody's baby brother or precious little boy just trying to fit in and gain acceptance. When sucky girls play into their fears it builds a whole new world of suckiness.


p.s.  I know of a boy that doesn't suck, your Mom probably does too.  Hang in there, before you know it, you'll be the Mom of a teenager too.  May God bless you and mother's everywhere.